There is often one element spiritual seekers and even really good teachers do not have, and unfortunately all to often have an aversion to it because of their past conditioning, this is your issue as well:
You have to create a concrete form of God and pour yourself into it. An all knowing benevolent symbol that has complete control. Surrender then to It destroying any sense of individuality and personal will. Then one can merge with the Lord which becomes you. Make your desire for God’s Grace the only desire. This desire for God is the personal will, willing its own destruction.
All this time spent chasing after your Self by your self; hoping to keep your self in the process; because you are attached to your wife, job, pleasure, dog, etc. This is spiritual ego. Self reliance is the Achilles Heal of many earnest seekers.
It can’t be done as long as you think you’re the Doer. It is grace alone that transforms, and Grace strikes like lightning without warning from the Source, brought down through one’s devotion to It. Devotion is not books, not audios, not Satsangs, not meditation, not being the hero to others-all that stuff is only meant to bring the devotee to their knees and cry out from the belly of the whale, in complete aloneness, cut off from the known- with only one way to turn.
If you reach that threshold you will have the strength to make the leap due to your faith in the concrete aspect of God, therefore sacrificing your life to It; and becoming it; like a single drop of rain hitting the ocean so merging with it.
Something as immense as Grace needs a tremendous amount of space. That space is taken up by the persona. The identity of the “individual me” my demands, my desires my likes and dislikes my life. MY EFFORTS.
Which is why the conclusion is: one must be willing to give up their life to Life; or the One Lord; bringing down grace which is the transition or merging of the individual me, back into the One.
The Lord becomes you in the absence of the “me.”