The reason we do not know our self as the One is because we are fragmented as we marginalize what we deem the “worst” parts of our self, and try to stay in a small corner of what we deem the “best” parts of our self. These marginalized parts will always manifest themselves in others, often the closest people to us. We literally attract what we resist, because homeostasis lies in complete integration and life naturally demands it.
You fear the violence in your father because you fear the violence in yourself and refuse to come in contact with it, which would heal it through direct embrace.
The messiness of your spouse causes pain because you have deemed that “wrong and incompetent.” In turn, inadvertently marginalizing the Lord within them. The same thing happened with your father. The only Real Love is complete love that incorporates not segregates.
It is not people we must love but the Source from which they spring.
What is the mechanism that breaks up love and chooses what to fear, and what to like? Surely, this mechanism masquerades as your “first name,” and creates an exclusive partial ego or the “me.” Here is a few mantras for you. Pick one that you relate to:
“The sum of the transient dualistic parts, is the Eternal One. I am that.”
“I am everything simultaneously but never ever anything exclusive.”
“I will allow for exclusive thoughts to exist, but I know I am not any one of them in particular.”
“Only the sum can equal the One.”